There Auto be a Law

“This weekend ONLY! Fantastic Deals! All Applications will be Accepted” All Inventory MUST be sold!”

Few things actually frighten me anymore. I’ve dealt with the death of loved ones.. with collection agencies.. getting pulled over by local law enforcement when I knew I’d been going just a bit over the limit…even got fired a few times. Then there was that little stretch where didn’t file taxes... for ten years (which I’m sure will make another fascinating record for this journal).. that was kind of scary, but all resolved now.

When I was young, I remember watching a movie called “War of the Gargantuas”, a pretty creepy sci-fi movie of the Japanese variety which scared the wits out of me. (Looking back now, I think the scariest thing about that movie from today’s perspective was the horrific English over-dubbing.) I slept with the lights on for a month.

Back in my hometown our minister, Preacher Maddox, would attempt to literally “scare the hell out of us” on Sunday mornings,
but now I kinda think that whole “hell thing” may be more like the evil monkey in Chris Griffin’s closet… perhaps more fantasy than fact. (Seriously….so you lived 70 years and did the best you could and still didn’t “Accept Jesus”.. and that’s a reason to burn ForEVER?.. But I digress)

So as I approach my 50th year, there just aren’t a lot a lot of things that spook me these days.

Except for this one thing… that sort of sets me on edge…

The Car Salesman.

Not ‘A’ Car Salesman…. But THEE Car Salesman. Because there really is only one, eternally existing in various forms on every auto lot in North America. And I just don’t like dealing with them.

Come on... really? “All applications accepted!!”?? Of course they’re all accepted… that doesn’t mean necessarily that they are all approved now, does it?

“All inventory MUST be sold!!”?? Seriously, how can this possibly be news to anyone? I always thought the objective of any retail business was to sell all of their inventory. And I’m not so sure whether it’s the asinine nature of these statements that bothers me or perhaps it’s the volume level at which these commercials are broadcast.

The Great Cal Worthington

Here’s a little rule of the thumb that you may not know about car dealers and their radio ads: “The lower the intellect of the customer they’re trying to reach – the louder the voice of the announcer.” And you can mark that down;

No one ever had to yell at you to sell you a Mercedes.

This morning, I heard yet another brilliant one of these ads on the radio: “….but hurry!” They declared, “This Limited-Time Offer will not Last Long!!”

Ya think?? Can you imagine, just for a moment, a radio ad declaring that a “Limited-Time” Offer would last as long as you wanted it to? Dumbasses.

I have been driving my (fairly ancient) Chevy Blazer, for about 10 years now, and truth be told … it has seen better days. But I was never one to just go out and buy a new car on a whim. I’ve never said.. “I make pretty decent money,,, think I’ll just go get a new car. Although I know some people who are in and out of new cars all the time – it’s just not my thing.

The reason I go shopping for a new car is for the simple fact that the current vehicle has just been run into the ground and it’s either ‘switch’….or walk.

And so one evening this week, while pulling into the parking lot of the local “Bed Bath & I’m Sorry, we’re out of That”,,,, listening to the squealing of my fan belt,,, and no longer able to see what’s directly behind me because the summer sun here in the desert has destroyed the glue holding my rear-view mirror in place… it just occurred to me:

…it’s kind of troubling when a person makes a decent living, and pretty much in control of every facet of their life, But… still driving a P.O.S. vehicle because of an unnatural fear of a simple-minded man in a pair of high-water khakis and a logo-embroidered, short-sleeved shirt with a hellish, unnatural smile which never seems to go away – Yes… That Salesman guy.

So I said to myself .. nope… not going to run this time. Something needs to be done. I’m going to beat this thing and go find me a new car! Time to visit the dreaded salesman.

Now to be sure, I know there are the politically correct among us who will say “You shouldn’t say “salesman” .. you should say “sales PERSON”. NO, actually, I shouldn’t – because frankly they are NOT persons.. they are something else. They are some mutated form of the species, devoid of all the things which allow us to respond naturally to life … like a pulse, for example; or the ability to make eye-contact, or to smile with their eyes rather than with just their mouths. It’s uber-creepy and I don’t like it. I tend not to trust people in general, but when it comes to someone who’s trying to sell something that costs over ten thousand dollars… and they don’t blink – that’s a tough one for me.

So.. I take a deep breath; turn on my right turn signal (because that’s the one that still works. If it didn’t, I’d have gone around the block to make my turn from the other direction), pull onto the lot – and Let the Games Begin.

There they are… a small herd of them… standing out in front of the showroom… arms folded... some of them killing time with cigarette in hand.. completely lost in their own reality.
They look like a pride of lions sitting on a rock waiting for the next gazelle.

UNTIL.. you reach for your door handle and put one foot on the pavement, and then, as if by instinct, they all begin approaching slowly.. arms outstretched, like creatures in some bad zombie movie…

You can hear them through your closed window.. “Brains! Brains! Customers! Brainssss!! You roll your eyes and step out of the car, greeted by the first zomb… er….salesweasel, saying something that sounds like some part of an auctioneer’s chant, with no punctuation or breath in between words: “Good Afternoon, Sir, and Welcome to Con-Way Chevrolet How Are You Today What Can We Help You Find Today Sir??”

Was that even a sentence?? Seriously, dude.. are you trying to buy a fucking vowel??

He sounds like that same old tired DJ at every strip club in America – the one with the high, pinched-nose voice, who didn’t quite have the talent to make it in radio, but thought.. Ok.. I’ll be around naked women who will never want to touch me… and I won’t have to sell insurance for a living, but it’s still a job in “Broadcasting!”

(To explain what I mean by ‘that voice’, just pinch your nose and say this out loud and you’ll know the sound I’m talking about:
“Ok, gentlemen… these girls aren’t gonna show any skin without some participation on Your part, so let’s welcome to the stage...… AN – GEL (accent on both syllables) .. But don’t let the name Fool Ya, Gentlemen!!.. blah blah blah…"

In the first place, dude, stop calling them gentlemen. And in the second place, the fact that she’s taking all of her clothes off in front of complete strangers who are stuffing dollar bills in crevasses probably not seen by the maintenance department for some time, have not allowed the name “ANGEL” to ‘fool’ me in the least.)

Anyway…….back to the dealership: As the young salesweasel nears my car, I step out.. He’s approaching the car from just behind the driver’s side window… Like an officer pulling you over and doesn’t quite want you to have the visual advantage.

So I say to him: “Uh.. You know that’s a really good way to get pepper-sprayed, sneaking up on someone like that.” But somehow he is unfazed, and the smile never leaves his face:

“Oh I’m Sorry Sir We Just Like To Make Sure That Everyone Gets A Proper Greeting When They Come On To The Property, Sir Now What Can I Help You Find Today Sir?”

“Young man”,,, I say with a weak smile, pulling myself out of my car, “I’d bet a week’s salary that NO ONE comes onto this lot without getting a greeting”. (At this point in my not-so-young life I love using that “young man” thing.)

“You and I both know that squirrels and mice passing by the front gate do NOT pass by this lot and NOT get a greeting, just on the off-chance they might be interested in buying a car”, I observe pragmatically. (He’s still smiling, and ready to go. He’s got STUFF to say!)

Now, we’ve all been involved in conversations when we knew the person on the other end was just full of crap,


....but they knew that for the sake of keeping the peace we wouldn’t dream of calling them on it. But I’m not like that with the species I call by their Latin name: “Comunitcatus Bullshitus”.. I just tell them just like it is and let the chips fall where they may.

“I am not here to win friends and influence people”, I say.. I am here to get the best deal on a vehicle.”



He continues, “Well Of Course Sir You Just You Just Tell Us Where You’d Like To Be Sir and We’ll Do Our Best To Get You There!!” (Well, of COURSE he will .. why wouldn’t he? Isn’t that his sole purpose for being on the planet… to “get me there”?)

At some point, you realize these people are using a special code and language designed to round the edges on the questions they’re really trying to ask. This last sentence, for example, translated from “weaselspeak” simply means, “How much money did you fantasize about spending before we got a-hold of you, and we’ll do our best to make sure you spend it… and don’t forget add-ons.. like undercoating, etc……. “Sir.”

Hmm .. where would I like to be ….? “I’d like to be under the covers with Liz T. while she’s wearing one of my starched custom shirts with the sleeves rolled up, but she’s in school finishing a nursing degree somewhere in California right now, so that’s just not possible.”

“Uhmm….Sir?”

“Oh…you meant “What’s your budget?” Yes.. I understand”, returning from my dream-like state – “I’ll tell you what.. why don’t we just look at cars, I’ll tell you what I like, and you make your best deal – and if I don’t like it we’ll simply shake hands and call it a day, fair enough?” “Certainly, Sir.”, still forcing a grin.

Damn! I’ve taken away what the young archer needs most: A Target!. Without the target dollar amount he’s unable to gain traction. He’s looking for something to ‘pin me to’ and I’m not giving it to him.

So, with the continued smile, which incidentally has not once left his face, he agrees and we move forward.

Back to my reading audience for a moment: Now, what I really need is a mid-2000’s semi-large SUV. Because I have to be able to haul my upright bass around the countryside, so it has to be large enough to accommodate my instruments and other necessities when I travel. I like the idea of a Chevy Tahoe, but that’s beside the point. We pick one out and get to work.

Throughout the afternoon’s conversation I hear him rattle on about a myriad of things, family, community, politics.. all in an attempt to establish some sort of what they call ‘rapport’ with me. It is somewhere during the middle part of this strained conversation that I begin to realize: “This person appears to be genetically pre-disposed to utter nothing of any lasting significance whatsoever, and I’m just going to have to endure.”

But now we’ve made it through to the final stages… The fun part - the part where he pushes a piece of paper on front of me with an amount on it and I get to say “yea or nay”, which, in the world of sales, is just plain stupid. I don’t like the idea of being pitted against someone who’s deliberately trying to make me feel uncomfortable – when in fact, I’m still holding all the cards! But even more importantly, knowing that his approach is all wrong, and I want to help him but for obvious reasons cannot.

What he should have done, just between my millions of readers and me… was to have me focus on two vehicles rather than one – gotten the best prices on both – and THEN sat down with me and both offers to ask: “Which One?”, rather than a “Yea or Nay” winner-or-loser-take-all kind of question. With the two-car option, which is geared to make it appear that I am in control, it makes it seem as if all the decisions are mine, but in reality.. either way, I’d have done precisely what he’d intended for me to do all along: Which is buy a car.

And so it all comes down to a number.. somewhere in the neighborhood of $17,600.00. Hmm.. not sure….. I’d kind of planned on spending that much, but is THIS car really worth it? Is this the best value for dollars spent?

I know that in the game of negotiations.. the first person who speaks loses…. But since I never lose, and frankly I’m done with the visit at this point. So I ask: “How about I give you a call by five and let you know either way?” His automatic answer: “Of course, Mr. Miller.. whatever works best for you.. “ And that’s the end of that.

Hell NO, that’s not the end of that! Of COURSE that’s not the end of that. You didn’t seriously think he was going to not at least Try to keep the conversation going.

Says the Salesweasel after a calculated pause: “Can I ask you one other thing, Mr. Miller?” (There’s Always one more question…..one more ‘word bridge’ to step out on, in order to keep hope alive) “Of course you can ask.. go ‘head.”

“Well, other than me making it affordable to you, is there any other reason we couldn’t do business today?”

I sit…. Rub my chin… looking down at the paper and the price... as if I’m seriously considering his approach. I’m surprised, as will be most of those reading this, that I am able to keep silent for so long. Finally … I say to him: “But you already HAVE made it affordable to me.” He looks puzzled.

“Don't you remember, from when we first talked, just a little while ago?” I said “I really don’t have a target price, so how about if I just pick out a car and you make the best deal possible, and if I don’t like it we’ll shake hands and part company.” So you've already MADE your best deal.. based on our initial conversation. And if that’s not your best deal…and you CAN go lower… then you’re basically full of shit from the start and I can’t do business with you anyway.” (Now it was MY turn to smile with my mouth, but not with my eyes)

The silence was deafening. And again, I almost felt sorry for him.

He rubs his chin again and forces a smile…..”Right you are Sir…” I’ll just wait for your call at 5:00.

Well……….that was then…..this is now.. It’s been about three months since that conversation took place, and I’m still driving the thirteen year-old blazer with the fallen rear-view mirror and the squeaky fan belt. Thanks be unto whatever god you pray to that I replaced the air conditioning last year.

It’s just kind of astounding that so many of these businesses go out of their way to perpetuate every bad stereotype about them. And it really is true that those who do not learn from past mistakes are doomed to repeat them. But while you really can’t legislate against ‘stupid’, you can still get your point across by voting “with your feet”,,, and even then, the whole thing still leaves you feeling that somehow …

There Auto Be a Law…

Update: Since this was written last year (and now finally posted) I did eventually end up getting a great deal on a Jeep Liberty which is a pretty nice ride. It's functional, and it gets twice the milage of the old '98 Blazer. And I did NOT get it from Con-Way Chevrolet.