You will not RE-Member

Some years ago, a good friend of mine invited me to lunch at a Private Club. Oooohhh… big deal that was! I was kind of excited, and thought perhaps I’d get to name-drop afterword… you know, show all my friends what a cool cat I was – perhaps rub elbows with the swells while waiting for our table…

Should I wear a suit and tie? Should I go formal? Nooo, he assured me – this would be extremely casual. “How cool is this”, I thought… Just me and my friend .. sailing past the guards at the gate…. Hey… don’t mind us … we’re MEMBERS!

I spent a great deal of time anticipating this luncheon and how I was about to enter a new paradigm of consciousness. I was excited about my big new adventure amongst the jet set.

The big day arrived. He picked me up on time, just as he’d said he would. I didn’t ask too many questions, as I didn’t want to seem naïve… or ill at-ease with the prospect of having lunch with the high brows. I wanted it to seem as though this was completely natural - just the everyday norm for me.

I soon realized that it actually WAS the norm for me… as my jokester friend pulled into the parking lot of Costco – the wholesale warehouse.



(Private Club: Get it??) We walked to the front door - he showed his membership card, and we waltzed right up to the lunch counter and ordered those wonderful Polish sausages they sell, and had lunch at the 'private club'. Wow.

A HUGE learning experience for me that day. Membership does not always have its privileges. I expected one thing and got another. Hopes for the High Life sacrificed on the alter of comedy.

Fast forward 20-some years: I’ve long since been a member of that August private club… But not for long.

You see, Costco sold me on this idea… that even though you couldn’t play golf on the back Nine, or hob-nob with the elite at their private club, they did insinuate that membership did indeed have some advantages. Many of which I’m still trying to determine. In essence, I'm still expecting one thing and getting another.

“You’re not just a Customer”, they said. “You’re a MEMBER” and that Means something!

So what the hell DOES this mean? Really...?

What it means.. is that When I call to ask about tires for my car… they will not have my particular size or style on hand. However they are Really VERY Sorry…and can order them.

It means that when I call to ask about ANYthing they might have in stock that I’ll get put on hold for roughly 20 minutes until someone finally picks up the phone and says: “Who you hoe-din for?” OR… they will pick the phone up and say “I’m sorry.. but we’re out of that.

*Blink

OUT? How can this be?

I’m doing the math in my head right now, and I just don’t see how it’s possible that you can be out of ANYTHING.

Let me explain what I mean:

Whereas Costco is a Membership warehouse, which means you Must be a member to shop there; and whereas each basic membership (on average) is now Fifty American dollars. (now, they do sell something called a Premium membership, but for the sake of this exercise we’ll just assume that all current members paid the base fee of $50.00); and whereas Costco boasts roughly Fifty Five Million members…



Hmmm…..let me see now.. 50 dollars……times Fifty Five Million … Hmmm put this number here… and carry the one…

Whooolly Scam of the Century Batman!! That’s 2.75 Billion Dollars!!


Let me say that again – Two Point Seven Five Billion Dollars…

In positive revenue flow – before they EVER stock or sell the first item.

Now I ask you – is that a great scam or WHAT? What other business (other than Sam’s and BJ’s, and a few other sordid warehouse enterprises) have the unmitigated CHEEK and GALL .. to ask for Two Point Seven Five Billion (with a B) right up front before offering Anything of Tangible Value? And then turn around and tell you about all the money you’re saving by “Buying in Large Quantities”??

Can you imagine saying to your prospective employer during the interview process: “I’ll need to have a Hiring Bonus of $20,000.oo, before I ever touch a keyboard or ever clock in, please.” And when the boss, looking at you in utter amazement, says: “For WHAT?” And you were to think about it for a moment and respond: “You know, I'm not really sure – I just know that Costco does it and it seems to work for them. Now how would you prefer to pay that? In a lump-sum check?? Or by direct deposit into my account – it’s entirely up to you.”

That boss person would look at you as though you had actually declared war on rational thought. Not only would you NOT get the $20,000.oo, but you would also NOT get the job. And moreover what you probably Would get is escorted to the parking lot by a member of the security team.

But yet EVERY year – Costco says to its “Members”: Pay up. Don’t ask – just pay.”

Well – you know me. I DID ask. HAD to ask. And frankly wasn’t too enthused with the answers I got.

A few weeks ago I called the local Costco warehouse. I asked to speak with someone who could answer some questions about membership.

“Good afternoon, Sir, and how can I help you?”

“Well, I was looking for someone who could answer a few questions about membership, and why it might behoove me to join your club.”

“I would be happy to help you with that, sir…. What are your questions?”

“Well, first off – What do I get?” “I mean… What distinguishes YOUR shopping experience from that of say… Safeway or Kroger, or perhaps Dominick’s??” What’s the one big deal about shopping at Costco that makes it worth Fifty Dollars for the year? I sure as heck wouldn’t pay Dominick’s Fifty Bucks a year for basically nothing, just for the privilege of giving them more money for... ‘something’.”

There was a long pause. I don’t think she’d ever been hit with that question in quite that way before. I really felt uncomfortable for her.

She began slowly and nervously: “Well…you do get the added bonus of getting to visit with US each time you stop in.”, she said with an obvious smile in her voice. I know she meant it to be funny, but I also couldn’t help but think she was stalling.



She grasped for more facts about the Shopping Experience: “Actually Sir,,,, (as her confidence was building) … The products we carry are much more superior than the average store. The lines and brands we carry tend to be top of the line".

I couldn’t help but think that since the whole big deal about buying a membership and shopping at Costco was the SAVINGS – that she didn’t have some sort of data she could fire off from memory… something like…… “Well, Sir, because the average family saves roughly blank % per year by shopping with us. But that never came up.

She asked at that point if she could put me on hold and would be right back. “Sure!” I said. But the odd thing is that she never did come back. At least not in the next 13-15 minutes; the point at which I decided to give up and think more in terms of how to get my money back for the MEMBERSHIP I’d already been suckered into.

Tip.. for the membership recruiter: If you’re going to ask us to surrender TWO POINT SEVEN FIVE BILLION dollars a year, before we even purchase the first product, you’d damn sure better have a pretty good reason to proffer as some sort of inspiration for the investment. If you’re going to ask us for Two Point Seven Five Billion dollars right up front, you’d better, darned good and well have someone with the voice and talent of Paul Harvey or Katie Couric answering the phone. And you’d sure as heck better keep enough of that nearly three billion dollars handy so that you can BY Gosh stock your shelves with my 'blanking' Tires when I call for them.

So this week, looking at my annual correspondence from the Costco Membership office… the one which naturally assumes I will just be mindlessly renewing once again, and doesn’t even ask “yes” or “no” – but simply wonders whether I'll be taking the 'standard' or the 'premier' membership. I’ll have to find some way to let them know that I do seem to recall something about major value for dollars spent, but it’s been so long since I’ve experienced any of that at Costco… frankly, I just can’t ...

RE-Member.