Hey Oregon... You can kiss my Gas!

This story begins some two and a half years ago, back during the summer of 2010.

I was returning to Seattle by car from a trip to Nashville, and was taking what I believed to be the most efficient route - through the state of Oregon.

It's a big state, with a varied mix of landscapes for just about any preference: Mountain ranges, farmland, desert toward the south, plenty of forests, etc. It’s a nice drive from any direction.


When I reached the city of Baker I pulled into a gas station and was about to fill up and grab a drink when someone wearing an orange vest with some reflective tape on it...

(like the guy on the construction crew who holds the slow sign)  

...approached the car and began fiddling with the gas cap.

Thinking I had pulled up to the ‘full service’ pump, I opened the door slightly and said to him,

“Excuse me, I’ve pulled up to the wrong pump.. let me move my car.”

He didn’t stop.

A sworn enemy of rational thought

I could only assume now that this poor victim of our public education system might have been completely tuned out, or just had something else on his mind. Either way, he wasn’t listening. (You know, there really isn’t much service in the ‘service industry’ these days.) And so I spoke more loudly: “Excuse Me – I need to move my car to a self-serve pump.”

He kept at it.

At this point I became not-just-a-little irritated – so I walked up to this ‘nummy’ and said to him “If you don’t take your hands off my car I am going to remove them for you, and not just from my car.”

Now I had his attention. He turned to me, as if I should have already known this, with a completely blank expression, and said:

“All gas in Oregon is full service – By Law.”

“Uhh….. I’m sorry……. WHAT? ?

This has to be some kind of a joke. Come on now… where are the cameras? Where’s Ashton Kutcher?? I’m being filmed for some reality show – I just know it.

No – this was for real.  All gasoline in the state of Oregon, by Law, is mandatory “Full Serve”. I was, as you can imagine, Utterly Astonished.

But sure enough, you can look the law up for yourself:    ORS 480.315-320


Let’s take a little side-trip, shall we?


The following is from the text of ORS 480.330:

"An owner, operator or employee of a filling station service station, garage, or other dispensary where class 1 flammable liquids are dispensed at retail may not permit any person other than the owner, operator or employee to use or manipulate any pump, hose, pipe or other device for dispensing the liquids into the fuel tank of a motor vehicle or other retail container."

ORS 480.385, Civil penalty for dispensing law violation:  Civil penalty shall become due and payable 10 days after order: up to $500.

*Out of 17 declarations used to justify this completely asinine law, it was number 7 that I found the most amusing:

“Exposure to fumes presents a health risk to customers…”

However, it didn't appear to be such a 'health risk' to the “Qualified Fuel Dispensing Operator', who wore no mask or protective gear.

So if it’s a risk to ME… but HE is not required, nor has the intellectual wherewithal to protect himself, it sounds like EITHER a major lawsuit in the making, or that these people are hired because of some aberration in their DNA which makes them naturally immune to such dangers.

Seriously, , , “Qualified Fuel Dispensing Operator”?? Who comes up with this nonsense? Does someone REALLY attend a special course (and who pays for it??) to become a certified Pumpologist??, or whatever they call it.)

And just how long would those classes be? Days? Weeks? Would they break for lunch … or have homework assignments with a deadline??  For pumping Gas??


For pumping gas...


So – of course I asked the attendant: “But Why??”

He didn’t hesitate, per his programming: “Basically, it’s for two reasons.”

“Sure”, I said.. “… go on.”  (I could not WAIT to hear this one.)

“Well number one, it prevents ‘drive-offs’.

I had to interrupt: “Uh.. No – it doesn’t.”

“PRE-PAY, young man… is what prevents drive-offs. That’s why most stations in America do it that way now. You see, unless you PAY FIRST, they won’t actually turn the pump ON.  And that’s how 'drive-off's' are prevented, my unprepossessing friend.”

Completely unfazed, the blank stare continued and he just kept going, as his apparent programming dictated. He absolutely was not interested in any kind of exchange. But then again, why should he be? …there was nothing he could do either way:

“Dura lex sed lex” The law is hard but it is the law.

“And number two, it helps with job creation.”

I was completely dumbfounded. I almost didn’t know where to begin.

"Nope - wrong again.  Young man I don’t know where you got that little jewel, but actually it doesn’t help with job creation. Allow me to shed a little light on some basic economics for you:”

                                                                       

        

“What helps with job creation in a free-market economy is the principle of bringing something of value to the marketplace so that a free people, making decisions in their own best interest, can choose whether or not they’d like to participate. Hell, if you wanted to follow that argument through to its logical conclusion then why not just make it illegal for me to tie my own shoe laces?”  That would certainly aid in 'job creation', wouldn't it?

By this time however, I realized it was a lost cause and that I was sounding more and more like my father talking back to the editorial page. And now there really was but one question left to answer:

Do you want the gas or not?

So I chose the gas.

But not before I pulled out my Rand McNally road atlas and calculated the miles from Baker to the city of Kennewick, Washington, and then determined the gas usage. “Give me EXACTLY 8.1 gallons of regular - and if you go over by once cent I won’t pay it.”

I made it to Kennewick and filled up.

Seriously, could government be any more of a complete ass wiper?? Even now, I still can't get over it. I simply cannot wrap my mind around the government at any level, in a supposedly free society, dictating how and Whom can fill your gas tank; any more than I can wrap my mind around a city government telling a for-profit business what size soft drinks they are allowed to serve.

So... let’s fast forward to this past week.. I was honored to speak at the annual professional butler’s conference in Los Angeles, and the plan was to make my way up through California to Seattle afterword.

But I was ready this time.

Calculator and atlas in hand, I figured the miles from Hilt, California, virtually right on the border, over the bridge in Portland, Oregon into Vancouver, Washington: 311.22 miles. On the road, my car will average about 337 miles per tank – So it would be close, but if I didn’t jack around on the road I could make it.

Portland Bridge

Several hours later, just out of Portland into Vancouver, with my gas needle Way below the E, as my car essentially rolled down the bridge onto an off-ramp and into the first gas station I could find, I beamed with a pride that could be described as something akin to a mad scientist after witnessing his creature come to life for the first time-

(or like my father when one of his weird theories had been proven right)…

I stepped out of the car, hair blowing in the wind, face toward the rising sun, , , (notice I said hair, and not “hairs”) patted the old Jeep on the hood and said: “You did good, old girl… you did Real good..!” While others shot me those little sideways, uncomfortable glances and then looked away. 

I’m certain that to the other random tourists and customers I must have been some sight. Parents began pulling their children closer.. and some of them just drove off without replacing their gas caps.

And I do realize that only 1 person trying to make such a point based solely on principle may not carry very much weight overall. But perhaps if the other person (I’m sure there must be at least one) who reads this blog gets so inspired, they might even choose to avoid an Oregon gas pump as well… And who knows, we may even just start a little revolution – hell, there could eventually be as many as Five or Six of us!

Or … I might just be completely delusional and, in a way,  just be reassuring the parents who pulled their kids to safety while tearing out of that gas station parking lot that morning that they were completely right in doing so.

Either way, they can all think what they want...but By God,,,,, I made it… and I got my Washington Gas.

And now that I've GOT my gas..  The state of Oregon can Kiss It.